The Kaufmann Chronicles: Captain of Awesome
by plasticstarss
Summary: Yeah.. xD Just a small collection of stories about Kaufmann, everybody's favourite awesome doctor-man! HE'S NOT JOSH.
1. Chapter 1 : Stanley Kaufmann

One day, in the foggy town of Silent Hill, a man named Kaufmann decided he fancied a walk. So, after smacking his bitch Lisa around for a bit, and basking in his awesome glory, he left Alchemilla hospital to go for said walk. He encountered a few monsters on the way, but they all took one look at him and were instantly blinded by awesome. Dahlia Gillespie practically jumped our poor awesome hero and tried to feed him some Godly mumbo-jumbo, but he just pimp-slapped that bitch and told her he was 'done with that shit'.

He walked for about 10 minutes, and was about to head home when he heard a choking noise. Turning to his right, his awesome eyes rested upon a bloody gurney, abandoned in the middle of the road. Curiosity took over, and Kaufmann found his awesome feet carrying him over to said gurney. As he neared the interesting object, it stuttered some more. Kaufmann decided it was trying to say 'Heather', which was, of course, right. Because Kaufmann's awesome ears do not decieve him.  
Ever.

Reaching the gurney, he reached out with one of his awesome hands and pulled off the bloody sheet covering it. A look of awesome shock spread across Kaufmann's face as he registered what lay in front of him. A bony, pale man lay across the gurney, bloody and dying. A doll was clasped in one of his bony hands, and, as Kaufmann had thought, he was attempting to say Heather. Kaufmann gasped. _My God,_ he thought, _this man is awesome!'  
_"What is your name?" he asked the frail man. Said man coughed.  
"S-stan-leey C-c-cole-m-ma-nn.. h-have you se-en m-my H-hea-therrr?"  
Kaufmann pointedly ignored his question, and his awesome eyes widened, sparkled, and exploded (not quite literally, friends, as Kaufmann is too awesome to die).

Pulling Stanley up off his bloody deathbed and holding him up by his shoulders, Kaufmann squealed like a little girl.  
"Mr Stanley Coleman, your awesomeness radiates from you like a rather awesome radiator!" Stanley Coleman looked understandably confused. Kaufmann continued.  
"Which is why, with no further interruptions, I pronounce you.." he threw his arms up to the sky for dramatic effect (forgetting that Stanley, alas, could not support his own weight, thus collapsed to the floor like Pyramid Head down a large flight of stairs.), threw his head back, and announced with glee,  
"MR . STANLEY KAUFMANN!!!!!1!!!1!1SHIFT!1!1!!!!!" Reaching into his suit pocket, he pulled out a shiny badge with his face on, kissed it, and proceeded to stick it to poor Stanley's forehead. And, ignoring Stanley's yelps of pain, Kaufmann cheered himself on, and skipped all the way back to his beloved hospital, to carry on his reign of awesomeness.  
(And to smack Lisa around some more, of course.)


	2. Chapter 2 : Awesome Glen

One fine foggy day in the dismal town of Silent Hill, Herr Kaufmann was waltzing around in his beloved hospital. His bitch Lisa was on a drug high, and passed out in some medicine cabinet screaming about chicken pie. Kaufmann was bored. Awesomely bored, you might say. After a moments debate, he decided to go on an awesome journey, to somewhere as awesome as him. Throwing a coat over Lisa's drugged-up face, he slid on his shiny shiny shoes and skipped out of the door, in a cloud of awesome.

After making his way awesomely past a steaming pile of bacon*, our darling schnookums Kaufmann caught a glimpse of something shiny. Skipping towards it awesomely, he saw it was a watch, which he quickly (and need I say awesomely) pounced upon. Holding it up to his dazzling face, he realized it wasn't ticking, which, of course, was true, as Kaufmann's hearing never fails him, as you should know. Suddenly, the watch made a popping noise, which seemed to give him some sort of insta-brain tumour. Kaufmann screamed an awesome scream, and fell to the floor much more dramatically than needs be.

When Senor Kaufmann woke up, (next to another pile of rotting chopped bacon*), he found himself lying outside a police department. He stood up, brushed his knees off, and was about to cross the road when a glowing, flashing, lump of pure un-awesome fail blocked his path. Kaufmann frowned, an awesome frown. 'No.' He said sternly to the ravey flashing creature, 'Just no.' The creature screamed, a piercing, highly un-awesome, throat cancering yell, and melted into a puddle of shiny fail into the floor at Kaufmann's feet, which our love-muffin used to wax his awesome shiny shiny shoes.

After wandering around awesomely for another minute, Monsieur Kaufmann spied another being walking towards him. Our honeybunch became quite excited at this spectacle, wondering if he'd just found another awesome soul to add to his collection of already vast-growing awesome souls. As the man got closer, Kaufmann let out a tiny, feminine squeal. No longer able to contain his excitement, he sped awesomely towards this man of potential awesome. Kaufmann's hopes were un-awesomely spat on as he realised who the man was.

Alex Shepherd smiled shyly at Kaufmann, giving our Kauffy an eyeful of his hideous tombstone teeth. Kaufmann stared on in horror, looking slightly like Cynthia Velasquez on her death bed-subway. As Alex opened his mouth to speak, Master Kaufmann averted his eyes to the floor - which was caked in the blood of beautifully shiny bacons* - and skipped happily on his way. Alex watched him leave, and a single tear rolled down from his bulging eyes onto his hideously emotionless face vessel.

Lord Kaufmann was luckily home in time for tea.

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**MANY ALEX SHEPHERD'S WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FIC. I REGRET NOTHING.**

**Love Lillian, x**

**--**

**Bacon; **A shiny, sexual skinless dogpup. Also known as Josh' pet spaniel.

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HE'S NOT JOSH GODDAMN.


End file.
